What to Expect in the First Days of Grief

The grief may be made more complex for queer people by the social stigma and invalidation that can surround the death. Losing someone to suicide or DRD can amplify feelings of isolation and rejection, both from family and society. In the first days, you might face:

• Family estrangement or hostility: If the person you lost was part of your chosen family, you may experience estrangement from biological relatives who don’t understand or support your relationship.
• Invalidation of your grief: Some people might question the legitimacy of your grief, which can make you feel invisible or unheard.
• Fear of being misgendered or erased in memorials: In cases of gender-diverse individuals, the fear of being misgendered or having their identity erased in memorials can add an extra layer of distress.

Allowing Yourself to Grieve

The mind and body are intrinsically linked, and as we experience the impact of grief on our body, this can manifest as stress. Stress can reduce the body’s ability to fight off infections, making it easier for you to get ill or develop health problems. If you’re worried about your health, visit your GP and tell them you are dealing with a bereavement. This can help them determine the right plan of action to support you. 

Go back to basics: sleep and eat regularly, if possible, as you will need energy. 

Nurture yourself. This could involve taking a warm bath or changing the bed sheets.  Create a survival kit for yourself with cosy clothes, perhaps a weighted blanket, something you like to eat and some tissues.  Perhaps even a playlist which reflects how you feel or how you want to feel. 

Give yourself permission to change your mind. If you have agreed to meet up with someone and it feels too much, let them know you are grieving and need some time alone.  

Throughout your grief journey, remember that this is a part of being human and that you will start to feel more like you again eventually. 

Coping Strategies and Support

While the early days of grief can feel overwhelming, there are ways to care for yourself, both practically and emotionally. First and foremost, it’s essential to reach out for support:

Create a safety net: Grief can feel isolating, so try to reach out to at least one trusted person, whether a friend, peer, or support hotline. LGBTQ+ helplines such as Switchboard (UK: 0300 330 0630) or Samaritans (UK: 116 123) can offer guidance when you’re feeling lost.

Lower your expectations: In the early days, you are not expected to function at full capacity or make major decisions. Focus on basic self-care: eat regularly, stay hydrated, and rest when you can. It’s okay to take small steps.

Create a personal ritual: Even if formal funerals or memorials are unsafe or unwelcoming, consider creating your own ritual to honour the person who has passed. This could be as simple as lighting a candle, writing a letter to them, or creating an altar with meaningful objects.

Writing or journaling: Writing can be a powerful tool for reclaiming your narrative and processing your emotions. You can write down your thoughts in a journal, write short stories or poems, or write a letter to the loved one you lost, perhaps saying the things you never had a chance to tell them. 

Mindfulness: Apps like Headspace offer meditations for grief.  This free app, PTSD Coach, was created for veterans in the US and has some great tools for tracking how you are feeling and practical tools and resources to manage overwhelm. 

Prepare yourself as much as you can for the emotional ‘waves’ that will come. Grief is rarely linear, and certain triggers, such as a song or a smell, can evoke sudden bursts of emotion. Having grounding techniques in place, like carrying an object for comfort or having some grounding tools can help you manage these moments.

Conclusion: You Are Not Alone

The first days of grief can feel like a whirlwind of emotions, confusion, and isolation. But even in the midst of this overwhelming time, it’s important to remember that you are not alone. As you navigate the physical and emotional aspects, it’s essential to remember that grief is a real and valid experience. Your relationship, identity, and experience of loss are meaningful, even if society or others try to deny it. If you find that your grief is being dismissed, seek out spaces (online or in person) where your loss will be understood and respected. 

Additionally, consider peer grief support, which can often be more validating than traditional therapy. Connecting with others who understand your specific struggles can provide a sense of solidarity and healing. As highlighted in an article by Gutin (2018), those grieving a sudden death oftenfind support groups focused on suicide loss to be extremely helpful. Interactions with other suicide and DRD loss survivors can provide hope, connection, and an “antidote” to stigma and shame. (Gutin, 2018).