Making Sense of Guilt After Suicide or Drug-Related Loss

“Be kind and patient and gentle and merciful with one another. Stay close. Hold firm. Forgive. Grief prepares the way. Joy will in time find you. It is searching for you, in the impossible darkness, even now.” – Nick Cave 

Losing someone suddenly through suicide or a drug-related death (DRD) is one of the most traumatic experiences anyone can face. Posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD) symptoms, such as shock, horror, disbelief, and intrusive/perseverative thoughts and questions, particularly in the earlier stages of grief. Moreover, Sanford et al (2016) found that the higher the level of “perceived closeness” to the deceased, the more likely the survivors of suicide loss would experience PTSD symptoms. additionally, the potential loss of social support following a suicide loss, whether due to stigma (external or internalised) or difficulties in requesting support, can itself be traumatic, compounding these challenges.

The grief that follows can be profound, and complex emotions like guilt, shame, and isolation often accompany it.  For many, the loss of someone from their chosen family and community or a person deeply embedded in their personal history can create a unique and intense kind of mourning. 

In this article, we will explore the experience of guilt after such a loss, its causes, and ways to cope with it, while also addressing the broader emotional challenges this type of bereavement brings.

Guilt & Shame

Guilt often arises when love and powerlessness collide. In the LGBTQ+ community, we tend to feel an especially strong responsibility toward one another, given the history of societal neglect and systemic oppression many of us have faced. When a loved one dies, particularly through suicide or drug misuse/addiction, guilt can be a way of trying to make sense of the chaos that ensues. Thoughts such as “Why didn’t I see this coming?” or “Could I have done more?” are common and stem from the deep care we feel for our loved ones.

However, it’s vital to understand that this guilt is not a reflection of your failure. A mix of complex factors, including mental health struggles, trauma, systemic oppression, isolation, and more, can cause suicide and drug misuse/addiction. These are burdens too heavy for any one person to shoulder alone. It’s important to remember that you did not cause their death, nor could you have fixed what they were going through. Often, it takes time before we realise that the decision made by a person is the last in a long chain of events. 

One of the hardest aspects of losing someone to suicide or drug misuse/addiction is grieving the potential that is lost. When a loved one is struggling with addiction, we often hold out hope that they will overcome it, heal, and go on to live a full, healthy life. But death, whether from suicide or overdose, ends not just their life but the possibility of them ever reaching that potential. The grief is not only about the loss of the person but also about what could have been, relationships they might have had, experiences they could have enjoyed, and the version of themselves that could have existed without addiction or mental illness. 

Some survivors feel ashamed because they believe the suicide has branded them as a ‘bad’ friend or partner in the eyes of their community. This sense of shame is often exacerbated by the stigma still attached to suicide and DRD, and may be heightened if we isolate ourselves from those we fear will assign blame.

Grief and Guilt: The Difference and How to Navigate Both

Grief and guilt often intertwine, especially in cases of suicide or drug-related deaths. Grief is a normal and natural response to loss, while guilt, although common, can act as a barrier to healing. The desire to place blame, whether on yourself or others, can arise as a coping mechanism to deal with an unbearable loss. Yet, guilt can keep you stuck in a cycle of self-blame, preventing you from fully experiencing and processing your grief.

It is essential to recognise that no one has the power to control someone else’s decisions in such critical situations. Healing begins when you allow yourself to let go of the guilt and acknowledge that you did what you could. Only the individual who passed could make the choices that ultimately led to their death. Acknowledging this is a vital first step towards emotional healing.

Though coping with guilt is difficult, there are steps you can take to begin healing. 

• Let guilt speak, but don’t let it take over. Acknowledge your feelings of guilt but try not to let them define your entire experience. Guilt can sometimes act as a shield against deeper pain.

• Remember the love you gave. Reflect on the care, support, and love you provided. These actions matter more than you may realise and were a significant part of your relationship.

• Talk to others who understand. LGBTQ+-specific grief and mental health support can provide a safe, validating space to process your emotions, especially when mainstream services fall short.

• Grieve in your own way. There’s no single “right” way to mourn. Your feelings of anger, relief, sorrow, or numbness are all valid, and you will grieve at your own pace. 

• Honour the truth of your relationship. No matter your connection, whether friend, partner, sibling, or chosen family member, your grief is real, and your relationship with the deceased is valid.

The Emotional Impact of Sudden Loss

Suicide is often the result of someone feeling they have no other options left, having reached a point of despair. This can leave those bereaved feeling abandoned, as though their loved one made a rash decision to leave them behind. However, this view overlooks the profound emotional and psychological turmoil the individual was likely experiencing. It’s important to recognise that their loved one’s choice wasn’t about rejecting them, but rather a culmination of inner pain and perceived isolation. 

As highlighted in an article by Gutin (2018), “suicide loss is likely to shatter survivors’ assumptions about their worldviews, roles, and identities, and the path to healing is often complex”. However, the article further states that many survivors find support groups that focus on suicide (or traumatic) loss to be extremely helpful.

As survivors of sudden loss, including suicide and DRD, although there may never be clear answers to your questions, writing down your feelings in a journal or composing an unsent letter to the person you lost can help you process and make sense of some of the complex emotions you are feeling.

Seek Support

Losing someone to suicide or DRD can trigger intense emotions. For some, this loss may lead to a heightened risk of turning to substances or even experiencing suicidal thoughts themselves. These feelings are often temporary but can feel all-consuming in the moment. It’s crucial to seek help from trusted friends, family members, or mental health professionals if you begin to feel overwhelmed.

Seeking support is not a sign of weakness, but a necessary step in navigating the complexity of grief. Talking to someone who understands addiction, mental health, or grief can help provide clarity and assist you in managing the pain you’re feeling.

Remember, you are not alone on this journey. Lean on those who understand, seek help when needed, and allow yourself the time and space to grieve in your own way.